Updated: Mar 16, 2021

I wrote this during my first attempt at recovery. It was really difficult to let go of my addiction. It was a physical pain, an emotional fear, that sometimes felt like it wasn't even worth it. But it was. And looking back at this, I am so grateful for the experience I've been through and for how far I've come.


what i wouldn’t give right now to feel

that warm slither down my throat

the fermented fluid that flows through my gut like a serpent

and seeks out the block of ice that encases my soul

the scalding liquid I long for

leaves my insides raw and burned

organs and tissue

emotions and thoughts

some of these are my own:

the nucleus of self

molecules of pride

atoms of desire fused with fear

others are foreign substances:

the spreading virus of hatred immunity-attacking shame

the cancer of resentment

is it medicine, or poison that i swallow?

am i seeking death?

or an antidote?

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