I wrote this during my first attempt at recovery. It was really difficult to let go of my addiction. It was a physical pain, an emotional fear, that sometimes felt like it wasn't even worth it. But it was. And looking back at this, I am so grateful for the experience I've been through and for how far I've come.
what i wouldn’t give right now to feel
that warm slither down my throat
the fermented fluid that flows through my gut like a serpent
and seeks out the block of ice that encases my soul
the scalding liquid I long for
leaves my insides raw and burned
organs and tissue
emotions and thoughts
some of these are my own:
the nucleus of self
molecules of pride
atoms of desire fused with fear
others are foreign substances:
the spreading virus of hatred immunity-attacking shame
the cancer of resentment
is it medicine, or poison that i swallow?
am i seeking death?
or an antidote?