I feel failure looming every morning when I wake up, every evening as stress builds, every night as I struggle to slow my breath.
I feel my heartbeat throughout my body, reverberating in my head, like a ticking clock, a pounding hammer.
I feel butterflies in my stomach with no fun provocation, no building excitement toward a new experience, just an unidentifiable trepidation churning in my gut.
I feel fear that I can't hold it together, that everyone will see through the thin veneer of competence, that I may melt into a tearful mess at any minute.
I feel terrified upon waking in a cold sweat, dreams unclear yet still present, always depicting my ineffectiveness, my inability to control anything.
So I try to not feel.
