Bad feels

I feel failure looming every morning when I wake up, every evening as stress builds, every night as I struggle to slow my breath.

I feel my heartbeat throughout my body, reverberating in my head, like a ticking clock, a pounding hammer.

I feel butterflies in my stomach with no fun provocation, no building excitement toward a new experience, just an unidentifiable trepidation churning in my gut.

I feel fear that I can't hold it together, that everyone will see through the thin veneer of competence, that I may melt into a tearful mess at any minute.

I feel terrified upon waking in a cold sweat, dreams unclear yet still present, always depicting my ineffectiveness, my inability to control anything.

So I try to not feel.

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